Still learning as I go along. I am thankful for another chance at life and am working on recovery. Everyday is another chance.

4:48 AM

I’m awake and feeling awful physically thanks to a combination of my gastroparesis, GERD, and ED. I had to lay really propped up at an angle because my reflux was so bad last night. I threw up something like 5 times yesterday and am now feeling the effects of that. I didn’t even run my tube feed all the way because I felt so badly and had too many negative ED voices roaring through my mind. Speaking of which, to add to the fun my J-tube site is really irritated again. I’m putting Aquaphor and Ilex around the stoma but it’s still bright red and raw. I wish there was a sure fire way of calming the site down but different ointments and creams seem to work for different people.

I’m visiting my sister and niece and her husband this weekend. It’s wonderful to be here and to spend time with everyone but it’s also a huge challenge. I’m feeling crappy about my body image and the ED voice has been winning more than I care to admit. I’m not proud of my behavior usage either. I’m having all these mixed feelings about the recovery process right now, doubting my ability to continue forward. Maybe I’ll feel better in a few hours when it’s not the middle of the night.

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depths of some devine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.

—― Alfred Tennyson (via psych-quotes)

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

—― Oscar Wilde (via psych-quotes)

(Source: saynolie)

lacigreen:

a point has been made

(Source: fallontonight)

Anonymous asked:

Hey, how are you doing? You've been so quiet lately, I hope you're okay.

I’m trying to do well but honestly I don’t think I can deal with my body anymore. I’m so frustrated and tonight it just feels unbearable. I’m trying to use my wise mind skills but I just feel crappy tonight. Sorry I’ve been quiet but thank you for noticing. It makes me realize there are people who truly do care even when I feel alone. :)

accidentalambience:

never made it into the music scene because of the phrase “early show begins at 9:00”
i have been that old forever…

accidentalambience:

never made it into the music scene because of the phrase “early show begins at 9:00”

i have been that old forever…